Dang it, I'm back

Dear blog readers, I am sorry to say that I have to now reopen the blog, and rename it again. This is like an episode from the Twilight Zone - twice I have entered the ‘final’ blog post, and each time I have relapsed within a few months. In other words, I have relapsed again! Three strikes and you’re out! Third time is a charm! Third on a match gets pregnant! Three’s a crowd!

I was supposed to be getting my hip replaced around March 22, and in preparation we did a bone density scan. My bone density is fine, but some gray areas were seen in and around my pancreas. Ultrasound showed these to be 2 masses in my pancreas and a third in my kidney. The largest, in my pancreas, is the size of a small potato, about 3”x2.5”x1.5”, and not as tasty. CT scan showed it even better, and a taste test proved that a potato is a better baker.

A biopsy of the mass in the pancreas showed this to be made of leukemic cells, and the assumption is the other 2 masses are also leukemic cells. We followed up with a bone marrow biopsy last Wednesday, and I received the news Monday that there are leukemic cells in my bone marrow, but in very small quantities. My blood tests have not changed, with slight anemia and no other abnormalities.

So, the leukemia is back in spite of a successful BMT. It is back in an abnormal way, but it is back. Grrrrrrr, give me a break, this isn’t fair, where is God?, etc. etc. As much as I tried, all the ranting and raving and tears and wailing and gnashing of teeth won’t change anything.

The action plan is as follows: Stop the prednisone immediately, and cut the prograf to 1mg every other day. This should allow the immune system to fight harder and hopefully kill this cancer attack. The minor graft v. host I have had for over a year was not a good thing, after all, so we need to stir up this immune system into attack mode. Chances of this succeeding are not that good, but it could happen.

In ten days we do another CT scan to see if the masses are shrinking. If so, great. If not, we move on to chemotherapy. You know me, I love some red death and numb me up. Actually, I may get new stuff, as I may have reached my lifetime amounts of the old chemos. Seems odd that they'd worry about that, just give me what works best. Additionally we may want to harvest leukocytes (WBCs) from Lisa and transfuse them into me, for an extra boost of cancer fighters, henceforth called DLI (donor leukocyte infusion). The docs are also looking into clinical trials.

My body is responding either psychosomatically or for real, with backaches, joint pain, stomachaches and lightheadedness. I am chilled a lot, and my #$%@^ing hip is killing me, but that is not getting replaced any time soon, and I limp on. I walk around like I am drunk, careening into things.

So fellow wanderers, here we go again. Needless to say, I am shattered by this news, and worrying how much is left in my tank of will and positivity. I am trying not to dwell on this, and mostly succeeding. In the back of my mind I am developing a bucket list, but you didn’t hear that and I didn’t say it, that is too gloomy a thought. We all will die, I am ok with that, but I thought I went through some agony to gain ten more years, won that bet, and now feel shorted.

To add to this, the Social Security people sent me a notice that they had overpaid me, and to please send them a check for $85,000 in 30 days. I filed my appeal Monday morning. Since I am feeling so lucky these days, Dana and I are going to Las Vegas for the anniversary trip we didn’t take last November. We’re leaving today and coming back Sunday. I have a plan to drop $85K on black at the roulette wheel, and see what happens. Wish me luck!