BMB Dud

My doctor, realizing my anxiety level wouldn't be relieved until the bone marrow biopsy was declared free of cancer, went into the lab on New Year's day and got the results. He called me to say the biopsy shows NO CANCER! I have officially beaten the big C, took my 1 in 15 chance, dodged every bullet, and here we are. There will still be physical challenges, the possibility of graft versus host disease as they reduce the immunosuppressants, but so what, I'll take it. Weekly visits to Stanford will turn into monthly visits and then no visits.

Maurice summed up beautifully the question of my life in this poem he wrote in the comments on the last post, repeated here:

John's big new year adventure,
who are you now, becoming?

do not take a picture of me
capture me
forever frozen
as i was for a moment
let me paint a picture of myself for
you
as i am now
in this moment with you
becoming

are we who we think we were?

peace time
what to do
after the celebration
rest a bit let your soul catch up

Just answering the question 'Who do I think I was?' is near impossible. I keep morphing. There must be some core element to each of us, and I feel I've boiled off a lot of the fat surrounding that element by sitting too close to the fire. The smell of burning hair still fills the air. I keep feeling around myself to get at the core of me.

Winter is over here in SLO (two brutal weeks), so we are throwing open the doors and windows and airing out our lives. I have hacked through some of the jungle that grew up in my absence, and now that living seems likely, greet each day with thanks to God for a chance to start anew.