Oh yes Master!

From Jade Cove to Las Vegas, that’s a crazy transition. We got into LV on Monday morning, got to the Venetian at noon and into our room, a nice suite with a good view. We got settled in and went down to the casino. I can’t play blackjack or craps in any of the strip casinos any more, as they have changed the limits and rules enough to make it a losing proposition. You need to go to the older casinos downtown to find the one- and two-deck games with rules that make it profitable to try and count cards. Dana likes to play the low-limit slots, so we hung in the Venetian for a while.

Everything is going electronic, so you don’t have to pump in nickels or quarters. Put in a bill, and when you cash out, take a voucher. Put the voucher in the next machine you want to play. Much more sanitary, which I appreciate as I become Howard Hughes. Penny slots are really more like quarter slots, because you play 20 lines at a penny per line. Nickel slots are dollar slots for the same reason.

We didn’t expect to win; the average machine has about a 92% payout rate, meaning play $100, lose $8. All machines are not created equal, and I figure the casino has some machines they use as draws into the casino, near the lobby and entries. Machines near restaurants and elevators are bigger losers, as that’s where people wait for someone and play while waiting. So we went looking for loud machines near the lobby. The other part of low-limit slots theory is that they pay off more often to keep the spouse happy; the other spouse is losing hundreds at a table game, don’t let the nickel player get bored and tear him away. So, if you hit 5 losing spins in a row, up the bet. Keep upping it until you win. Risky.

We killed it for low-limit slots, up about $350 overall. The Wheel of Fortune loves me, Mr. Cashman loves me, and I Dream of Jeannie loves me. ‘Did that please you master? I can do so much more for you master. Yes, yes, yes!’ Jeannie is the only sexual machine I know, and that is surprising.

I entered a Texas Hold em tournament on Tuesday, $90 to enter, and had the gorilla of the table on my left. Bad bad. Nice guy and very aggressive player. I didn’t see an ace in the hole for the first hour, and I needed to bluff my way into a couple pots to stay alive, but the run of bad cards continued and I didn’t play well enough (aggressive) and got knocked out about 30th of 60, out of the money. Good education from the guy next to me, though, and I didn’t expect to win.

While I played poker, Dana shopped for clothes for me so I look more hip. I was wearing my Dad's old Irish hat, his alpaca sweater, and with my reading glasses I have become my Dad, and this is disturbing. So I have some new clothes, but I won't wear the stupid beret, at least not until I can grow a chinga te.

Monday night we went to see Penn and Teller, a comical satirical magic act. It was not as good as expected, but we did get to meet Penn and Teller after the show. Teller actually spoke – I didn’t think he ever did. Lance Burton does more impressive magic at half the price, but without the comedy and social commentary of Penn.

Tuesday night we went to a Cirque de Soleil show, Zumanity, which is the burlesque version of their show. We had seats right next to the stage, so it was up close and personal. Do not go to this show with your mom or your kids. The acts in this show were not nearly as spectacular as those in O or Mystere, not as gymnastic and not as risky. It was worth the money if you like the bizarre and bawdy, though, so we thoroughly enjoyed it.

Before the show we had our anniversary dinner (20 years) at the new Wynn casino, a restaurant called Bartolotto’s, Italian seafood. We had made a reservation and asked for a romantic table, and they apparently ignored that, as we were seated outside the kitchen entry. It wasn’t bad, nice views into the gardens, very elegant restaurant. After our appetizer was underway we noticed these great tables in the garden, each under it’s own canopy, and wished that was where we were.

I knew it would be $200+ without wine, and it was, but they still surprised us how they did it. The fish was sold for $12/100 grams, and they bake the fish whole and serve it to both of you. All the seafood is imported from Italy, but in my mind a sea bream is a sea bream. Our waiter recommended the sea bream, and in retrospect we think he did that because it was the biggest fish. $120. The food was great, best vegetable sides you ever had, and the fish was OK, because of the sauce, but it was bream in the end. Dana had an $18 glass of wine (she is so cheap) to wash down the fish, and we left about $50 of fish on the plate for the cats.

Seems like every time we’re in Vegas, as we approach a roulette wheel the number 23 comes up. We always say we need to play it, and this time we did. $20 on 23, $700 if it hits. 4 came up. Fer cryin’ out loud.

After Zumanity we got to bed about 1:30 Tuesday night, and Wednesday morning, 5:30 am, the hotel decided to greet our anniversary by having engineering try to open our door, banging into the security latch while saying ‘Engineering, we’re here to fix the bulb.’ At that moment the phone rings, and it is the front desk telling me engineering is on the way to fix the bulb in the lamp by the sofa. I said ‘It’s 5:30 and you have the wrong room you idiots.’ Well, now we’re awake, and so I dress and go get a coffee and sit outside to cool off before I start ripping into the front desk.

I go to the desk telling myself ‘I am not mad at this person.’ I went up to the desk, they say good morning, and I reply ‘I wish it were. I am not mad at you, but I am mad. Doesn’t your board show what room calls?’ It does. ‘Wouldn’t you make extra sure you had the right room at 5:30 in the morning?’ They were all apologetic, but insisting that we called, which pisses me right off. My guess is it was 24-120 in the Venizia Tower, and we were 24-120 in the Venetian Tower. They comped us a room service breakfast, and let us keep the room until 5pm, but they’re getting a nastygram from me anyway. If we didn’t keep killing their penny slots I’d be more pissed.

Vegas was dead on Monday but filling up as we were leaving. Never book the last flight into SLO, as the damn fog almost got us again. I think the only reason we landed was because the flight was SLO-based and wanted to be home. Pretty foggy landing. As we waited in San Fran for this flight, I used a courtesy phone to page Dana Sagoombah to gate 87. ‘Dana’s a goombah, Dana’s a goombah, go to gate 87.’ My thanks to Tom and Brian for showing me how to do this many years ago. They would page Art Vandelay, then George Costanza, eventually the whole Seinfeld cast until everyone in the airport except the guy making the pages knew something was up.

All in all a good trip. I was religious about washing my hands, and I carried around alcohol swipes you get from the change cage. We had a great Thanksgiving dinner at Stacy’s. Dana woke up Friday at 5:30 and spent the next 6 hours vomiting violently. We hoped it wasn’t the crab dip we made, which the boys and I didn’t eat. I called Stacy later, and Barry said everyone was fine, so Dana caught something on the Vegas trip. It continues to amaze me how hard those little WBCs I got from all of you are working. Dana’s had 4 colds and this flu, and I get nothing but a perpetually runny nose.