Ditz. That's me, for not using 'ditz'. Sheesh. Just can't let go of a Scrabble loss.
It's still raining out there, good thing. I played Dairy in a howling cold wind on Sunday, and a good back nine kept me just under 100. Then, Sunday night was the Mardi Gras Ball. Exactly three years ago, I was dancing at this ball, and was totally out of gas. Next day I found out I had leukemia.
This time, I was sore from golfing, my hips and sciatica felt like bone grinding on bone, and standing in one spot is the worst. It was a good party, good band, plenty of decent food. I tried to dance but was awkward and pained, just like always, and in spite of wanting to have fun I couldn't do it. Dana was really in a partying mood, so I am a disappointment.
It's now Thursday, I started this post on Monday, but I've been distracted from finishing it. A friend of mine just died, and I can't get my head around it. I sometimes think I am just playing out the string, and I am sashaying through the days, not doing anything important, just xing out days. It's as though I am waiting for some event to knock me into motion. Maybe this death is the knock I need. I think for now I'll just try to update the list of books I liked and leave it at that.
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John,
ReplyDeleteI’m very sorry to hear about your friend. Life is so fragile. I’m sure you’ll get it all in order in no time at all.
After what you’ve been through, don’t “knock” yourself so badly about not changing the world too quickly.
Mac
I like the new list of books and a rematch is definitely in order for that scrabble game. You have been through an incredibly tough journey these past three years. It's the ordinary struggles of daily life that sometimes get to us more than the herculean efforts. Not that any of your struggles are ordinary! Your blog gives us hope and perspective. Blog on...We love you!
ReplyDeleteJohn,
ReplyDeleteI hear you, surviving is tough. What next?
Measuring time, two days, maybe three, in the hospital, if Patty brings someone big. I would have stayed. She brought Earl, he said it was time to go home, so I left the hospital. Two weeks until the catheter would be removed, check off the days. I would have stayed home as the days drifted by, but my doctor told me it was time to go back to work, two months later. He was right.
Time slips by, measured moments, in the blink of and eye, days pass, years pass, family friends and acquaintances pass.
I went to the company party several months after I returned to work, I made myself go. It was not easy. I was not the same guy I used to know.
Where, I have much tolerance, respect for the courage and strength of survivors who have experienced much loss and assault on their psyche.
Maybe it is something like growing old before your time, and unfortunately my memory as finicky as it is, still remembers enough to give me heartburn.
John, give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack. Enjoy the view. The new world order.
Rest and recovery. You've earned it soldier.
You have given us quite the view of the war, maybe, it is your nature to be a warrior. Reconstruction is hard work, clearing the rubble and rebuilding.
Looking forward to hearing more.
best wishes
peace
Mo
johnny, johnny, johnny
ReplyDeleteI hate to be the one to bring this up but have y'ever thought maybe that mardi gras partay is not the best thing for you? YOU are not a disappointment, there is just some bad juju on letting the good times roll at that particular event. if you go next year, I am sending Earl to get you out (and maybe deprogram you)
what a revoltin development the whole process of healing (and mourning) is, huh? first you worry about not having enough time left. then you go through the gates of hell to earn some time. then you find out it takes more time than you think you'll ever have to get through the loss and the jet lag and the whole reincarnation even if the garage seems familiar...hey, we should invent a board game!
it should have a picture of Kevin Gardner on the front, palms up, grinning and saying (like he did every day in Aldrich science class) "we're ALL your pals"
on these drama-less days that you feel are just being X-ed off, I hope readers write in MORE.
DO NOT believe that old saying about if you don't have something good to say.
talk anyway!
and if you don't have anything at all to say, now is the time to say it anyway!
I agree with all of the anonymouses above (blog on!
but would add:
how about a little back-up singing for Mo and Mac here?
love and humor don't speed up time but not to worry: time wounds all heels.
today is a beautiful morning
ReplyDeletecold but no breeze
the sun surfaces
gulls squawk and swarm
far below the bridge
almost touching the water
rising quickly as the dawn erupts
while my passions lie dormant
i doubt i would make this drive
to see the sunrise from such a vantage
but i pass this way
each morning on my way to work
i watch the sky to the east
for the sun to rise and the bridge between
mo