I'm lying here in my family room recovering from my (hopefully) last ever lumbar puncture with chemo. After patiently waiting for two hours, the doc got the job done faster and with the least pain of all 15 or so LPs I have had. I jokingly told the nurse before I went in that I would need a cheeseburger and chocolate shake when I was done, and when I got back she brought me a tray with cheeseburger, fries and a chocolate shake. Ask and ye shall receive!
Getting kind of sick of this whole ordeal, and just want it to be over. Either cure me or kill me, but quit farting around. That is not going to happen though, another year before I am cured or dead. So I am in this mindset lately where I don't feel like being positive - I am a tired warrior, not physically but mentally, even though I just had a break from the whole thing. Maybe that's why I am sick of it, because I had a taste of the normal life. I am going to have a long talk with myself and refocus, and I appreciate all the comments on the last blog, some inspiring words, beautiful poems, some crazy poems, helping me to regain that focus.
Some of you have expressed that you're uncomfortable leaving comments on the blog. Be anonymous! Anon. Ymous wrote some great stuff - I will never forget 'The Twa Corbies', first read it in college -
The Twa Corbies by Anon
As I was walking all alane,
I heard twa corbies making a maen:
The tane unto the t'ither did say,
"Whaur shall we gang and dine the day?"
"O doun beside yon auld fail dyke,
I wot there lies a new-slain knight;
And naebody kens that he lies there
But his hawk, his hound, and his lady fair.
"His hound is to the hunting gane,
His hawk to fetch the wild-fowl hame,
His lady's ta'en another mate,
Sae we may mak' our dinner sweet.
O we'll sit on his white hause bane,
And I'll pyke out his bonny blue e'en;
Wi' ae lock o' his gowden hair
We'll theek our nest when it blaws bare.
"Mony a ane for him makes maen,
But nane shall ken whaur he is gane.
Over his banes when they are bare,
The wind shall blaw for evermair."
Good luck figuring that one out.
This also by Anon. Ymous, many versions -
"Fierce is the wind tonight,
it ploughs up the white hairs of the sea.
I have no fear that the Viking hosts
will come over the water to me."
I think of the wind as medicine, and the Vikings are cancer, at least to the Irishman that wrote this. Right now my seas are frothy and the Vikings cannot get to me.
My point is, regarding all of you with commenting shyness, if the words are in there and dying to get out, let them out, be Anon. Ymous.
Donald and I were trying to figure out how I could signal him from the 'other' side, if I crossed over soon. I asked him what he wanted as a sign, but we haven't figured out what is possible. I think I will have to figure that out from the other side. Can I light a campfire? Make a bear talk or fart or giggle? Appear in a dream? That is the one I am counting on, but how will he know that I created the dream? I will have to wear something in the dream that he has never seen.
Or, I could do this to all of you, if possible, get in all your dreams, and when you talk to each other you will say 'I had this weird dream where Fiore was wearing a ________,' and the other person will say 'Yes, and also he was wearing those ridiculous ________.' Then you will know I am on the other side. Whatever should I wear? A kilt and tam? A lionskin and codpiece? Dredlocks and a Speedo?
My sister and her husband are here in SLO with us, having a little vacation. They will go to Yosemite on Monday and I will go to Stanford to be fitted for Fractional Total Body Irradiation. A day trip and right back to SLO, then back to Stanford for the thrilla starting on the 18th, when my army hides behind trees and walls and the stupid enemy comes marching in lines straight across the field. A veritable turkey shoot. They will use outlawed nuclear warfare on me from the 22nd to the 26th, then try chemical warfare, but we will blast them with a cavalry charge on the 30th. When the smoke clears 3 weeks later, we'll see who won.
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maybe we should lay off the warrior theme for a while...you are battle fatigued...and YES, it does suck that the return after escape into the open always amplifies the contrasts--which I guess s'why it is courageous to keep doing it and by example, remind me same!
ReplyDeletebut for now, isn't there some way we could put you on R and R during the slack-tide time here while the new cells come in and the killers wash away?
I keep thinking about Martha's earlier birth analogy...she was talking about visualization but I'm thinking transition stage--when you get to the point that you can't do this anymore and you can't not do it anymore then you are probably almost done.
ok and then you have teenangels who don't call you and a picture of your husband looking like a zombie, holding a phone at 2am and saying, Mr. Mullaney, this is uh...this is uh...this is uh...
until you who thought you'd never speak or feel an adrenaline burst again scream out YOUR NAME IS MAURICE and fall into a deep sleep that doesn't last more than two hours for a year and a half but let's not go there.
this is the virtual waiting room here, people!
I hope the reluctant-to-comment start typing. do NOT let certain wannabe chorus writers who shall remain un-named scare you off. this is not a competition, except occasionally between me and Mac, but who else would want to enter that "ring"
I check the comments every day, hoping to see more or at least find out what Mo is typing in the other room. I know many who are out there reading but don't have the overwhelming urge to talk just because it is what we can do. (go figure)
I hope it is not god forbid the "if you can't say anything good" syndrome because that shouldn't stop anybody...at the very least, think of creative ways for Johnny to contact us "off-blog"...
me, I hope if that time comes you would keep as close an eye on Vinny as you kept on me at that age!!! and tell the old SOB I said hi. but don't GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
pat
doggoneit,
ReplyDeleteThe other night , while in Wakefield, I stopped at the dollar store, roamed around and ended up buying a CD, Thunderstorms, sounds of nature. Track 1 is Storm Rhythms, Track 2 is Lightning Fury. Yep, only a dollar, what a find. Pay for the disc, and proceed to my car. As I approach my car I see a car parked close to mine, my drivers side to their passenger side. In the passenger seat of the other vehicle is a black medium build dog, with the window rolled down enough for him either to breath or barely jam his snout out. Well, as I got into my car the dog starts yapping and jamming his snarling face at me, I talked to him in a soothing voice, to no avail. Once seated in my car with the door closed he sits and quiets down. I roll down my window and talk to him, He does not respond and in fact turns away from me. Huh, I put the CD in, and hit track 2, Lightning fury, turn up the volume and sit back.. Heavy rain.......... then the loud crack of lightning right over head!! You should have seen the look on the face of that dog as he shot a look at me and the started twitching and looked away. I had myself a good chuckle. "Rejuvenate your mind, body and spirit with the natural sounds of thunder and lightning" only a buck.
It's the little things that count.
Mo
I check this blog more times than I care to admit. Some if it flies over my head, completely incomprehensible. some of it sticks as profound or goofy. but mostly I am fascinated by your response to what life has thrown at you. Life redefined and hanging in the balance. You are a survivor and you will survive this! How you keep going and fighting when you're down and the biggest fight is still ahead, only you can know. But based on what you have shared to date, I know you will force yourself to fight on no matter how beat up you feel. Positive thoughts are streaming towards you at every moment from every direction. Let these thoughts of grace buoy you. Those who know you and love you are willing you on. Those who don't know you, but read your blog are willing you on... Rest for now and quiet your mind. Let the forces of love and positive thoughts carry you. Draw strength from the colllective will of your loved ones...Rest and be strong! Resting is being strong. So rest!
ReplyDeleteYour words, your friend's words, esp. ANON are all inspiring.....much truth is spoken here.
ReplyDeleteHow strange that I am here (Stanford) and you are there (SLO). I found myself on a 2 hr walk/run/adventure this morning and came upon the Rodin Sculptures Garden....WOW!!! So much beauty here in a place of struggle.
XXXXXOOOOOO
Heather
John Da Warrior Ooga Odds-Changin Boo Qwilla Man,
ReplyDeleteWHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKIN ABOUT?
HOOAH – HOOAH – HOOAH – HOOAH ! ! ! ! ! !
Now c’mon Man. We need you to get back on track here and kick some major ass. Never mind this SHIT about not feeling mentally up to the task. Each of us out here knows you are the best mental giant among us – NO QUESTION. I simply won’t accept to see you even hint that this SHIT is going to take an edge on you.
We need you to focus on the things you love John. Think about getting back to Yellowstone and Big Sur; making that impossible putt; hitting the incredible drive; making that improbable chip over the threatening bunker. Remember the smell of the dog; the softness of Dana’s warm body snuggled next to yours; the sight of Mikey or John after a long absence; the wave you waited far too long for; the best piece of jade you ever imagined.
John, just remember who you are and what you stand for; that you are the best warrior of all; that this is simply one more hill to climb. One at a time buddy – one at a time. You need only to focus on this next step. You know you can do it and we all know you can do it.
Give em hell John.
Mac
Sooo. Let's look back on the past three weeks. For every body I know that would have been an exhausting trip! Anyone would need a rest from all the snow and ice and hiking, etc. Our Johnny goes through medical warfare with another year to go and feels a bit depressed! So omg you have some normal instincts! You are a regular human being? We know you are super human of course. terrifically smart and immensly creative but here you are not wanting to rally the troops! Actually I think that's our job. There are so many of us who love you and your family, we will hold you in the palms of our hands and you will be uplifted. It's our job.That's what friends are for.
ReplyDeleteLove You.XXX Chrissie
Hi John,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog via Kim and Patty. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be one of your many supporters and memory keepers.
As I was reading I started to recall a play we put on in 8th grade titled “The Slave with Two Faces”- a whacky allegory Miss Murray came up with to embrace your and Mike’s high energy approach to classroom learning. Anyway, as a class we voted on who would play which role. You landed the lead “Life”. We made a good choice. You played the part with gusto, grease paint, a whip and a pretty strange costume. Michael was your head slave. He flailed about yelping, crawling, and trying to steal the show. Laura played the intelligent young woman who made logical decisions and could control life and I played the damsel in distress who would be ruled by life. Perhaps our class was somewhat clairvoyant.
So here we are 40 years later and we know a lot more about life than we ever wanted to know. I am sorry that your battle is leukemia, yet I am inspired by your strength, energy and attitude. You have done an incredible job surrounding yourself with great people who love you. We all chose you for “Life” way back in 8th grade and we will all count on you to play it out with humor, a whip in your hand and some pretty strange costumes. We applaud your performance and we are anticipating an encore with a standing ovation. My hopes and prayers are coming your way.
Juanita
hi JUANITA!
ReplyDeleteI look at these comments probably more than Anon above who checks the blog more than s/he cares to admit--I saw a lot of the characters at a reunion show last new years but some things never change--I still stink at social events but am easily hooked by the writing (guess it is good I connect to something somewhere that doesn't involve a boogey board!)
I love your story
patty
Hey Mac and Chrissie especially, but to all - Don't worry, I will be on track at tomorrow's frialator fitting, and I am on track right now. I just hit a speed bump, the Del Ray leapt into the air and landed hard on the struts, and I had to take a look underneath to see if I popped a spring. A few beer cans fell out the hole in the trunk, but we all looked at each other to see if we were all alive, and on we go, hurtling along. And how great to hear from Juanita and be reminded of that play! That was the beginning of the end of my acting career, but it was a lot of fun. I will have to bludgeon Beauch with this memory.
ReplyDeleteI admit to being hard pressed to find words for this situation, so I have been silently reading and wishing I could have written what Pat wrote. Forget trying to keep up with Mac…. That guy’s amped on Ho Spice. So forgive me for not being original, but something about the following quotes either comforted or inspired me, so I am passing them along.
ReplyDeleteLuke 21:19 In your patience possess ye your souls – Be calm and serene, masters of yourselves, and superior to all irrational and disquieting passions. By keeping the government of your spirits, you will both avoid much misery, and guard the better against all dangers.
“When war does come, my advice is to draw the sword and throw away the scabbard.” –General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson
“When cities burn and armies turn and flee in disarray, cowards will cry: ‘Tis best to fly, and fight another day’. But warriors know in their marrow, When they die and fall, ‘tis best to have fought and lost than not have fought at all.” – Anonymous
“Sure I am this day we are masters of our fate, that the task which has been set before us is not above our strength; that its pangs and toils are not beyond our endurance. As long as we have faith in our own cause and an unconquerable will to win, victory will not be denied us” – Winston Churchill
Lisa!
ReplyDeletewelcome back! I have been missing you...and I a while back I wished I could've written the comments YOU posted about keeping the rest of us going...
in my own neighborhood here I am known by some as "the counselor's counselor"...yeah yeah yeah, it is a gift to either know what to say to other people, or to know there is nothing to say and talk anyway--
but if it makes you feel any better, I RARELY know what to say to myself which gets lonely if nobody else is talking!
off to study your quote about patience even though it isn't sinking in fast enough
love
your blog pal pat
Pat,
ReplyDeleteI don’t normally quote biblical references (I’m in the category spiritual but not religious, which my father does not understand at all) and this quote will probably mean different things to different people. I interpreted it to mean, “ain’t nothing you can accomplish by thinking of the worst so keep those nasty “what if” thoughts at bay”. I was also trying to pick up on your idea about R & R during the slack time. Take advantage of the clam (that’s supposed to calm) before the storm. Rest up for battle, let your spirit be at peace, yada, yada, yada.
Gotta go read the horoscopes now and make some new interpretations…
Throwing it back to Pat in the studio!