Fear the white hat and the soul quota

Friends and family,

Well, I knew the day was coming as much as I dreaded it. They finally made me put the ‘white hat’ on. That is the contraption they put on the toilet to catch your poop for further inspection. Remember Sally Fields in the Flying Nun, remember that hat? Looks kinda like that, no front brim so your parts have room. Is this a deep-seated fear that they will limit my coffee intake? Yes. Was I worried about making a big mess? Yes. Would all the ‘pooping enhancement products’ create such a monster that I needed the ten-gallon hat and not this measly derby? Yes. Anyway, I knew it was coming, hospitals are always interested in basic In/Out systems. We are just big dysfunctional alimentary canals in this place. So I put on the hat this morning at the request of Aracely, a 4’10’’ nurse from El Salvador.

Just a side note, this is how my days have been going lately.
4:30 Nurse comes and gets blood samples so Drs have results at 6:30
4:45 Try to go back to sleep, not successful, toss around all the questions, look at fears for no more than one minute. Fear is simple, doesn’t need too much time, very primal.
Up by 6:30, go get a coffee at the nurse’s station, pretty good coffee.
Read in bed until 7:30, get up and bed is closed for the day until 11:00 pm, except for vital signs.
Get the paper
Breakfast comes around 7:30, eat and read paper and watch news
Vital signs and mouth care - this means a brushing with a sponge on a stick, then saline rinse, then Listerine rinse, then peridex. They are concerned with any break in the skin in the mouth
Emails until 9:00
Morning constitutional, i.e. poop
Yoga, pretty basic, until 10:00 or so. 4-6 Sun salutes, other stretching.
Hit the exerbike. It struck me today, after my legs were dead in one minute with no resistance, that I was not telling the bone marrow to SNAP OUT OF IT. So I kept pedaling and gently urged my bone marrow to just make me some red blood cells, and that was my mantra, hey wake up, we need some red blood cells. I seemed to get some second wind in three minutes or so, and pedaled for twenty. Maybe I have just not been demanding enough? Not sure how I will ask for platelets or white cells when the time comes, don’t want to have to stab myself or get sick just to get the bone marrow to listen up.
11:00 or so, hit the shower
11:30 lunch
12:00 mouth cleaning
12:30 take a walk, get lost, roam around, scare little kids (not really). When you wear a HEPA mask, you can group people. Those that won’t look because they figure you are really sick and it makes them think of mortality. Those that smile and say hello or nod because they figure you need a smile. Those that think you have something really infectious and move way out of the way.
1:30 emails, read the paper some more, call my Ma, assorted chores (unbelievable, chores)
Every 2 hours get vitals taken, always the same, BP 130/80, pulse 72, temp 97.7, oxygenation 97% - I am healthy
3:00 mouth cleaning
4:30 dinner
5:30 evening constitutional
6:00 mouth cleaning
6:30 visitors (Nick Blozan and Rebecca Glenn stopped in Thursday, awesome, and Jim Schweickhard has come by a bunch, he works here)
8:00 call home, act like a Dad
9:00 emails and goof off
10:00 watch some TV
11:00 in bed and read or TV

So anyway, the white hat is on the toilet, I am ready for my morning constitutional, and the old pucker just clutches right up in fear, says no way, not now. I figure well, I’ll do the yoga and bike and then I’ll be ready. Aracely comes in, does vitals, and asks. Nope, no poop. Understand I am taking stool softener, 3 Metamucil a day, things should be pretty ready. Shower and eat lunch. Aracely asks again. Nope. I go for a walk. The poop is now three hours at least behind schedule, the hat is waiting.

Now, of course, when I get up to the rooftop garden of the Children’s hospital, I lose all fear of the hat. I am aching for the damn white hat now, so I hustle back to the room and bingo, perfecto, ba da boom, nothing like a 5 year old can do but OK for a 49 year old. Only problem is it has very high odor qualities, good coverage, high volatility, and I need this sucker inspected and disposed of NOW. I am in an enclosed room, and the filters are straining.

So I put on the mask and go searching for Aracely, out to the nurse’s station. I tell the nurses there, Hey, I just pooped and Aracely wants to inspect. Of course by now they know me, and ask, is it a work of art? Should we frame it? Why don’t you just beep your nurse? (Pride, that’s why). Maybe you should just come out in the corridor and yell, Hey, Aracely, I had a Bowel Movement, come inspect. At this moment Aracely comes around the corner, and the last option seems valid now, so I yell, Hey, Aracely, I had a poop, come inspect! Needless to say the inspection went fine, the poop was put in it’s place, and I will fear the white hat again next week. And I will page my nurse next time.

Soul Quota
There is a lot of spirituality that goes on in this place, so there are services set up to meet the needs of those that are religious. Those of you that know me well know I am not religious, but maybe spiritual in some unusual way, meaning I believe you can combine Big Bang theory, evolution, creation, and the relentless energy of God everywhere into some smorgasbord. When they asked religious affiliation on the admitting forms, I told them free agent but the Buddhists had the current high bid.

Now I am in a room that has an anteroom, this little room between my room and the hall with a sink and soap. There is a sign on the first door that says ‘Wash hands for ten seconds before entering room’. This is so visitors don’t infect me, and the air from the hall doesn‘t come in. The third day here I am eating lunch and I hear the outer door then the inner door open, no wash time, and here is this fine Irish looking gent before me, introduces himself as so-and-so with Catholic Charities, sticks out his hand and I instinctively shake it. He asks if I am Catholic (Italian name I figure let him on), and I say raised but not practicing. Would I like anything, no thanks, everything is fine. Fine son, we will pray for you, thank you, have a nice day. I then go wash my hands and finish eating lunch.

Next day I hear the outer door open, then the inner door, no delay, and here is a fine young Asian man who says he is with Spiritual Services, introduces himself, I shake his hand, is there anything I need, no thanks, OK we will pray for you, thanks, have a nice day. I wash my hands.
Yesterday I am sitting here, I hear the outer door open, then the inner door, no delay, and in comes an Indian looking woman, hello do you want me to pray with you, thankfully does not introduce herself or stick out her hand, no thanks I say because by now I am starting to think, it’s a freaking quota system they get paid on, and they have to get me infected and dead to collect my soul! The only three people not to follow the double door rule! And to top it all off, as she leaves she washes her hands in the anteroom, in case I infected her somehow! You can’t make this stuff up. I will grant the other possibility is that there are so many sick people they are overwhelmed and they are providing a difficult service, but then again, I have been around quotas before and they create strange behavior.

Notes:
There are 22 patients in this wing, F unit ground floor, with a variety of cancers, tumors and blood problems. The place is full. The last couple of nights a lot of the people have been on chemo, and are very sick, it really seems like a cancer ward. Meanwhile I go roaming around, getting coffee, going for walks, making jokes. My nurse will come in every few hours looking frazzled as all hell, and I have to implore them not to waste their time just checking up on me, I can empty my own pee bottle and note the output on the board. Thanks to God and whatever other luck that somehow made me the healthiest guy in the chemo ward right now, I’m happy to be ignored for being OK and save up some brownie points in case I need them later. Maybe tonight, 2 treatments of chemo coming.

Ambulance ride from SLO to here was a mere $5100. Fully covered. Beauchemin and Leary are coming to visit today, be good to see them. Can we golf where Tiger played in college? I will ask, and the docs will look at me in strange ways. The docs said I could absolutely not go see Kronos Quartet at the University Friday night, that would get me off insurance and I would be billed for everything to this date. I bet that bill is close to a good SLO 3 BR house, if a 205 mile ambulance ride was that much. Stay healthy and insured.